Silence will set you free
I’ve just returned from a 6 day silent retreat… and it was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had.
When I told my family and and my friends what I was doing, they all thought I was crazy.
“Oh god, please don’t make them turn you into a hippy”
“People come back really weird from those things”
“You can always come back half way if you hate it”.
It did make me second guess myself, but I’m stubborn and love a challenge.
The idea came after a period of severe burnout. ‘Like someone putting my brain in a frying pan” is the only way I could describe it. I’ve always had high functioning anxiety: high achiever at work, people pleaser, always caring for others while never looking after myself, constantly worrying if I said the wrong thing, full of joy and light on the outside but inside, exhausted and feeling the embers of my spark slowly fade. I would come home and not be able to process anything my partner would say, seeing friends or going out was a massive effort, I would spend all night exhausted but go to bed wired and not be able to sleep. Over stimulated was an understatement.
So the hunt for some sort of retreat began. In my head I was screaming I JUST NEED QUIET and a break from life. Silent retreat appealed to me and it was in a part of the world that I absolutely adore. Stop the world, I want to get off…and so I did!
Due to being so burnt out, I didn’t think much of it apart from “I can’t wait until silent retreat” — it kept me going. What I didn’t really register is how much time we should spend meditating. No phone. No reading material. Just on my mat, tea, water, nature, journal and my thoughts.
The day would start at 7:15am with a slow yoga flow and meditation, followed by breakfast then into meditation and restorative yoga followed with lunch. Then a 3 hour break to do what you want, most of us napped or on days I had more energy I would go walking in the bush and bird watch. Back at 4pm for yin yoga and meditation, dinner and then evening meditation and ‘constructive’ rest. Repeat for 6 days.
Meals were catered for and there were people to do dishes. It was recommended to not look people in the eye, which tends to set alarm bells off for most people but it actually is so freeing. You don’t have to worry about communicating with anyone, you don’t have to think of what conversation you’re going to start. It was weird at first but after a day, there is a collective knowing that we are all in this together. Eventually we would catch each others eyes sometimes and smile.
My main takeaway was not realising how wound up my mind and body were. I’m so used to being busy and having a lot on, that I didn’t realise I had totally forgotten what proper rest and relaxation felt like. You think you’re relaxed and then you notice, “oh I can relax my shoulders just that little bit more”. You notice how nourishing food and water feels on your system, you notice how silly some of your thoughts are and how you really don’t need to entertain any of them.
I didn’t realise how distracted I was in daily life. I am a present listener at work and with friends but I didn’t realise how much I was missing by being stuck in my phone or thinking about work or what chores needed doing. You find joy in the smallest of things (birds for me) and surprisingly I wasn’t irritated or annoyed at anything!
Being home I now realise how stimulating my life is. Replying to friends, checking in with family, scrolling insta, checking work emails, teams and slack, playing with the dogs, chores, the noise of cars and the list goes on…
I definitely feel a change in my body and brain chemistry. I am calmer, have more clarity and properly laughing again. If you feel burnt out or are just needing a break, I feel you and I hope you consider what a silent retreat might look like for you. It might just change your life!